Unemployment Chronicles - Part 2

Unemployment Chronicles - Part 2



Buttered Toast and Sunny Side Up
Hello and welcome back! It has been more than 2 weeks since I quit my job and the happiest person currently is my mom, a feeling she has been expressing constantly by bestowing upon me her hitherto exclusive privilege of washing, cleaning and.. shudder..cooking.

Anyone close to me will recollect my past adventure in the kitchen featuring a packet of Masala Maggie noodles and an over enthusiastic neighbour which culminated in the calling of fire brigade and a subsequent fatwa banning me from being anywhere near a kitchen.

Of late I am working on overcoming my mortal fear of LPG and the pics I attach are a couple of proof for the same.

Corn Salad
In the meanwhile I am trying to utilize my free time to the max, mostly by planning criminal enterprises in order to make quick money but then congress in it's current state has declared a hiring freeze which leaves me with the only two other sources of revenue: Government job or MBA.




Still in two minds about the latter since sitting behind a desk was never a part of my plan. But then who can resist the temptation to do some insider trading and 2000 crore jhol.

The other thing that has been keeping me occupied is my bank. The other day out of the blue my venerable bank sent me a mail asking me to pay Rs.3100/- as some miscellaneous charges. I asked for an explanation and with uncommon enthusiasm for a public sector bank  I received a prompt reply after 2 weeks with due apologies for the mix up followed by the revised amount which is now Rs.3600/-  The Branch Manager is the Anti Christ!!

Have not been able to finish the book yet so the book review maybe a while. That being said I am trying to finish it at the earliest.

There maybe some news next week, won't tempt fate by saying anything now. Keep watching this space for more. Also I welcome suggestions on topics that I might want to write about. Till next time then. Cheers!!




P.S.: Planning to migrate to WordPress , what do you think? Leave a comment below.



















Unemployment Times

Unemployment Times  - Chronicles of a recently unemployed working class fellow

Monday was my last day at work, for the first time in 6 years since college I am without a job and today is my second day of unemployment. How does it feel? I will be honest about the first 48 hours at least, a sense of freedom mixed with bouts of nervousness about the future. 

Lest I be misunderstood let me clarify at the outset that the sense of freedom is borne out of no other reason other than the apparent freedom one feels in the initial days from the monotonous rhythm to which one has got used to as a working professional and the bouts of nervousness is ironically borne out of  addiction  to the very same rhythm. 

You see for the last six years I had a job, a steady source of income and more importantly a sense of direction. Whether I wanted to head towards that direction is a different matter but there was always someone to guide me towards one particular direction and the moment I stepped out of the venerable corridors of my former employer I left behind all that rhythm, direction, money, security. 

When I first announced my intention to quit no one quite believed that I have no counter offer from another cushy corporate office, and probably still don't. In India quitting a job is a big deal and quitting a steady, decently paying comfortable job with one of the Fortune 100 companies without a counter offer in hand is outright taboo. 

The reactions to my apparently insane move has been mixed with 50% saying that this was a bad idea and that I will immediately regret it and the other 50% saying "Good going,I wish I was you"

Since the opinion is equally divided between the two camps I though I might as well document my days and see the outcome both as a lesson to myself and perhaps to someone out there who may find himself/herself in my position in future.

Firstly I would like to clarify that I quit primarily so that I can take care of my health. But apart from this rather morbid reason somewhere in my heart I wanted to take this risk to pursue a greater calling. Sadly the exact dimensions of this greater calling eludes me yet and I intend to make the most of this "free" time that I have in pursuit of the same. 

In the same vein I will try to increase significantly, my blogging and also add a couple of new topics. I have at least one in mind right now, book reviews. I am a voracious reader and many of my friends have asked me to try my hand at reviews. So far  I have been reluctant largely due to an impossibly lazy disposition and lack of time, but also because of the genre that I prescribe to: military literature (non fiction). Not really everyone's cup of tea but seeing as I have some time at hand, I might as well give it a shot. Right now I am reading 'Chosen Soldier' by Dick Couch and as hilariously scandalous the author's name is, the dude was a certified bad ass (ex Navy Seal. ex CIA) and as soon as I am done with the book the review will follow. 

So that is one of things on my mind apart from, like I said, the chronicles of my unemployed days. Watch this space for more. See you guys soon with the next post. Cheers for now!

Oh and here is a video I wanted to share which I found rather inspiring 

Fun fact: This guys lost his job in 2012 and became a full time YouTuber, today his channel ranks as one of the top channels with more than 3 million subscribers worldwide (including yours truly) and he makes significantly more money (six figures apparently) via his weekly videos than he ever could with his full time job. 








The Scottish Referendum

The Scottish Referendum

An Alternate Take


Unless you live under a rock or read Times of India (in which case you are too busy noticing cleavages to care about such trifles as an Independent Scotland) you probably have been following the entire drama surrounding the future of Scotland as it unfolds in the UK.  

More than the Scottish referendum itself it was the manner in which the entire affair was conducted that surprised me. So peaceful? Especially when in the world’s largest democracy you can’t even get a new state without some healthy stone pelting, police firing, rape threats, destroyed public property and invaluable inputs from Poonam Pandey.

The entire conduct was so counter intuitive to Indians that I decided to write an alternate version of the events in a way it happens close to our home. Make it more “realistic”. Find below the timeline of Scottish Independence Referendum if it were done our way:

1999: Scottish parliament meets for the first time in 292 years. ‘Jai Scotland’ movement for a separate country began. Over 200 people injured in Lathicharge by the police.

March 2007: Alex Salmond floats the ‘Scotland Navnirman Sena’, renames arbitrary tube station “William Wallace Terminus” – Scots beat up random Biharis to give to give the whole movement a proper feel – Demand reservations for the Scottish Manoos.

Dec 2007: Local Scots protest their non-participation; call the whole thing a politically motivated farce – Labelled Maoist by Mamata Banerjee – Tapas Paul threatens rape against all Scots.

June 2009: Alex Salmond begins fast unto death for the independence of Scotland

Nov 2009: UK’s answer to Digvijay Singh announces decision to initiate the process for formation of Scotland – Following protests in Wales, England and Thrissur process put on hold citing need for consensus.

Dec 2009: Local Scots protest their non-participation – Scottish Khap Panchayat says public is agitating due to an unregulated consumption of Chowmein – Chowmein banned.

Jan 2010: Government sets up a 5 member Lord Obvious committee to look into Scotland issue.

Dec 2010: Committee submitted its report, suggests six of the most obvious options.

2011: Not a fuck was given that year.

May 2012: Random Scottish “youth” in their 40s consume poison in a bid to draw attention to the lingering issue – Scottish Navnirman Sena takes out a rally in support of the suicides.

June 2012: Local Scots protest their non-participation – Police fires tear gas shells on unarmed protestors.

2013: Someone suggests a referendum – politicians laugh at his face - Cabinet approves draft of UK Reorganization Bill 2013 prepared on the basis of recommendations by a Group of Ministers from Tamil Nadu and Bahrain.

Jan 2014: David Cameron stages a sit in London to oppose bifurcation – No one gives a fuck.

May 2014: Bill introduced in both the houses – MPs greet it with pepper spray, blow torch and hand grenades – Heavy debate on TIMES NOW featuring mostly Arnab Goswami.

August 2014: Local Scots protest their non-participation - Alex Salmond threatens to wring their necks and bury them 10 feet below the ground.

September 2014: Scotland is independent – Alex Salmond, now not quite sure what to do next, leads a victory procession through the streets, promises 45 new IIMs in all the counties of Scotland.

October 2014: Local Scots protest their non-participation – Army called in.


- Fin -


Disclaimer: I write this blog not to defame the Scots (I freaking love Scottish people), but to highlight the difference in the workings and handling of a sensitive issue in the West verses the knee jerk politics in the subcontinent. Kudos to the Scots and the UK in general for the good job in conducting the whole affair so peacefully.


We were gentlemen once…and young..and slim also..Part III

Part III

Day 1: (Screaming Screening day):
The day starts early, as early as 3 am sometimes (the earliness is inversely proportional to the water availability).
As I groggily walked down the corridor to the bathroom situated at the end of it, I am stricken by a strange sense of warmth and camaraderie as I greet total strangers with a cheerful “Good morning”, share a genuine smile, and sing along to some of the most out of tune singers.
Lakshya’s theme song used to be the anthem for Day 1 and sometimes beyond for us.
After a quick cup of tea and a not so quick moment with yourself in the washroom (you better do the ‘do’ or else you will regret it enormously), the next big thing is to shine the shoes. If only I could have a dollar for every time I lent out my shoe shiner I would be a richer by a good margin.
After all the above is accomplished there is just one more activity left to do before leaving to face the judgment. Packing your bags. Packing the bags has never been a great feeling for me. It’s like signing your death warrant..ok ok I went a bit overboard. It’s not really like signing your death warrant but the dread of going home on the very first day is nerve-wracking. You never know who is going back, whether the genial fellow in the next bed will be eliminated today itself or worse still, will it be you?
After the entire luggage has been packed you drag it along with you to the examination hall. The time is 6:00 am.
Now you have to neatly line up the luggage on the corridor and quietly take a seat in the induction hall, waiting for the examiners to arrive. The wait is the most dreadful part of the day, first you wait for the examiners, then the exam itself and then you wait for the result. I am not a very patient man by nature and these waits just break me down inside.
Anyways after nearly 45 minutes you thank God when the examiners finally show up. The examiners for screening day normally consist of a psychologist, a senior Group Task Officer (more on this later), the President of the board (generally a very intimidating and imposing fellow irrespective which board you attend).
Soon you start with the first series of tests for the day, an OIR or Officer Intelligence Rating test. It’s divided into two parts, verbal and non-verbal with around 50 questions each and 30 minutes per paper and is akin to IQ test. There are no pass marks. The best part about the test is there is no negative marking so just make sure you do not leave anything out.
Immediately after the OIR test, you would be greeted by the psychologist will walk you through the next test which is the PPDT or ‘Picture Perception and Description Test’. The name is pretty self-explanatory. You are given a very hazy picture to observe for 30 seconds and in the next 4 and a half seconds you have to identify a main character, specify his name, age , gender and current mood and then spin a story around the picture with the protagonist.
This test is meant to measure you as a person so understand that the character you have chosen is essentially a reflection of you or at least that’s how the examiners will see it.
After the PPDT there is a 10 minutes break in which you will be organized in groups of 15 to 20 depending on the batch strength and this will be your group for the next and as I see it, the most important round of Day 1, the ‘Group Discussion’
In this round your group will be made to sit in a semi-circle with the examiners sitting just a few meters away. A word of caution, ignore the examiners, whatever be the case do not reach out or greet them. This will be conveyed to you before the commencement of the GD round anyways.
The topic of the discussion is the story you have written during the earlier test, the PPDT. Now you will be given a chance to go through your story once again followed by individual narrations.
If you feel you were not able to perform well in the earlier test this is the platform which can grant you redemption from your earlier sins.
As a personal example in my first SSB in Allahabad I ran out of time was unable to complete the PPDT. ‘Unable to complete’ is an understatement, what happened was time ran out by the time I finished the first line “Rajesh was a young man...”. Obviously I panicked but thank God for that inbuilt survival instinct that we have, I was able to recollect myself in the GD I made up my story and narrated the same fluently. I passed Allahabad screening! Anyone familiar with Allahabad board’s reputation would know what that means.
The GD tends to be tricky especially if you are a repeater because more often than not it becomes a fish market. In that case it’s best to speak once or twice articulately and sit down rather than getting drawn into a shouting match.  Whose story gets selected is not important; more often than not the GDs are inconclusive. It’s how you conduct yourself during the GD that matters.
Remember I had mentioned building relationships on Day 0? This is where that will come in handy.  While I have had my interaction with total douchebags most candidates are nice people and if you had gone that extra length to form a bond, they may even back up your story which may be counted as a plus point and also that extra support will give you that much needed confidence boost. That is the secret of how I cracked Allahabad even with a piss all PPDT.
The story narration can be hilarious at times cue random dude two seats away “..and then Ram went and doused the volcano with two buckets of water and villagers followed” hahaha still can’t forget that one.
The entire battery of above mentioned tests is over by 11 am max and as such you have nearly 90 minutes to kill. Have some tea, relax and catch up with your co candidates and wait for lunch.
Post lunch after a short speech and nerve wracking 30 minutes the results are out. Typically the intake these days is around 50% of the batch. If you are amongst the lucky ones who cleared, you will be assigned new chest numbers and for those who couldn’t sadly they will have to leave immediately. The Board’s bus will drop you off at the railway station immediately and so while confidence is a good idea it’s always better to book two return tickets, one for screening and one for the fifth day. Avoids a lot of hassles.
For those who cleared you will be taken to another large hall for some more paper works and then you will be directed to your new accommodations for the next four days. This is when you will really embark on the journey called SSB.

Cont’d

We were gentlemen once…and young..and slim also..Part II

Part II:
Day 0 (Arrival Day): Today is the day when you arrive at your designated railway stations and depending on your selection center, you are probably making casual conversations with a cow (Allahabad ) or abusing the auto/taxi/bus/any fellow (Bangalore).  This is where you meet the other candidates for the first time. Remember everyone is sizing each other up so a good first impression is important. Draw yourself to your full height, walk straight and introduce yourself like a boss at which point the other fellow will introduce himself as the chaiwallah which is when you will realize you are on the wrong platform and then begins the 100,000 meter sprint from platform no A to platform no B carrying shit load of luggage.

This is how many of us have discovered the hidden Paan Singh Tomar in us not on the tracks of the school playground but while running from Platform A to Platform B while carrying two refrigerators, one elephant and half of me in their bags.
By 3 pm (Bangalore) or 1 pm (Allahabad) the bus from the center has arrived. Please keep your call letters in hand else there will be some pain.
After arriving at the center you will be made to sit in a hall of sorts where you have to fill in the PIQ or Personal Information Questionnaire. The PIQ will form the basis of your interview later on so please provide accurate information only. If you sham around you will be caught. Remember, you are not sitting in front of some clueless corporate HR recruiter who is barely 2 years older than you. Your interviewer will be a Colonel or a Brigadier and in rare cases might even be a Major General, very likely from the combat arms and would have had more action under his belt than you have had hot meals so stick to facts.
After the paper work there will be a welcome note on behalf of the president by one of the GTO or Group Task Officers (more about them later). This will be followed by a quick snack break and itinerary of the events for the next day.
 After all of the above is done you shall be allotted your dormitories. Please don’t get disheartened by the conditions of the same (especially the Bangalore crowd). Once you clear the screening you shall be moved to the new block.
After you have checked into your dorms the next thing is run like a mad man towards the candidate’s mess to grab the best seat and some decent chow. The food is decent and if you are lucky you might even get chicken the first time itself.  In Bangalore’s chow hall there’s a placard that reads “Eat what you take; take what you eat”. Respect that unless you want an earful from the staff.
Once you are back in the dormitory please organize luggage well as you will be carrying that with you to the screening hall tomorrow. Those who clear will shift to the new blocks while the once who can’t will be asked to leave immediately. So organize accordingly and please do not start washing your clothes the first day itself especially in Bangalore. It’s a humid place and clothes do not dry very well. Fancy wearing a very wet underwear and wet socks all the way back home, add to that the embarrassment of being chucked out on Day 1 itself, not a good combo.

Again dorm is the best place to build friendships. I emphasize a lot on that aspect of SSB because that is one of the most amazing take away from this experience. You can never imagine when, where and how someday this networking may come to your rescue not to mention the immediate payback in the coming days where a huge importance is placed on how you interact with your peers socially.

Few tips on Day 0:
1.     Make sure you know where the Movement Control Office or MCO is located.

2.    Keep calm and wear light clothes, contrary to your Sharma uncle’s belief you are not being judged “platform pe utarte hi beta”.

3.    Once you have located your fellow candidates please don’t be a Devdas and sit in the corner.  Reach out to them, chances are you will end up making amazing friends and some of you may end up in the same group during the impending group discussion believe me that’s a great help on the screening day and later too.

4.    Please don’t come with any strategies, this is the SSB not MTV roadies! Be yourself throughout and believe in yourself right from the moment you take the first step towards your train.

5.    Eat light and sleep well the day before. I understand that Indian Railways offers a hefty challenge in both the aforesaid fields so get food from home and try to grab a shut eye on the way.

6.    Don’t judge. You will be surprised at the end results of SSB so making assumptions about people will only go against you.

7.    Be careful with your PIQ. Do not bluff.

8.    Listen to the instructions attentively. If you come from a happy go lucky civilian background this will be a wakeup call. Newton’s third law applies heavily in the armed forces and every action has an equal and opposite reaction.

9.    Do not waste food. It’s not tolerated. Infact it should serve you as a life’s lesson “Take what you eat, eat what you take”.

10.  Don’t crib about the dorm conditions; if you get through and pass out of the academy it may be even worse at your post.

11.  No asshole rule applies strictly. So try not being obnoxious. You will stand out.

12.  Get some Odomos else you will regret it. Truth has been spoken.

13.  Pack lightly. You are men and will spend the rest of the days in the company of men so a pair of clean underwear, two t-shirts, two shorts apart from the prescribed clothing will be good enough.

14.   Reach out to your peers.


Cont’d

We were gentlemen once…and young..and slim also..Part I

Note: This blog is to meant to provide a first person view of the SSB procedure and should not be used as a coaching material unless you really hate your life or want to lose your virginity the hard way.

Owing to an incredibly thick skin, augmented by an impressive layer of fat, my guilt coefficient is somewhere between that of Pritam and Ram Gopal Verma.  Even so there are things I sincerely regret; “Never ever go to the toilet immediately after a packet of Haldiram’s Chatpata Chana” is in fact my life’s motto that shall be passed on to the future generation along with “Never watch a Sajid Khan film” and “Never spit paan out of a moving bus because that is when the stupid police constable fellow will come between your paan and the road and then you have to pay Rs. 500 else he will take you to jail”

But beyond the above mentioned unfortunate encounters with the ungodly forces of nature, if I sincerely regret anything, it would be not living my dream, which of course was to be a belly dancer called Fifi Abdou. Bwahahaha.. No.. but I bet you pictured the scene, now please slowly crawl to a corner and die quietly.

What I really wanted to do was join the Indian Army thanks to this article which played no small part in influencing me.

Anyways the point of this blog is not to give gyaan but to recount the wonderful journey called the SSB or Services Selection Board, which is a prerequisite for anyone who wants to join the tri services as an officer. While the results of the selection process board have been a personal tragedy the overall journey was fun and I would like to share the experience for those who are curious.

Also while I was trying to condense the whole experience down to just one blog, I felt that won't be doing justice to anyone at all and so I have decided to do it parts covering all the days in detail. Here is the first part, enjoy:

Part I:

Trivia:

 You probably have a better chance of getting into an IIM or IIT than getting into the Indian Military Academy. There are only 250 seats and only one IMA.


It’s often said that the toughest entrance exam in India is that of the Indian Administrative Services. However, even though I have not attended any IAS interviews, to the best of my knowledge, there you don’t have to spend 5 days away from home in a completely new and strange set up surrounded by 120 even stranger young men like you learning early lessons in undercover warfare while combating bed bugs (Bangalore board) or a firsthand feel of a world without women (Allahabad), or have to write at the rate of 2 million words per second for your psychological evaluation under stress, or stand on a plank 10 feet AGL while screaming out the name of your favourite actress and thanking God you are not a huge fan of ‘Kaviyoor Ponnamma’.

The first step to appear in an SSB is to clear the written test (except the technical entries where a written is not required). There are various entries but I will just concentrate on the one I cleared which is the Combined Defence Services exam.
You can look up the details in one of the million websites dedicated to careers. For now let’s just say I applied and cleared CDS. 

Next step is the nail biting wait for the call letter and the apprehensions about the various centers. There are 4 selection centers for the Indian Army and similar number of boards for the Navy and Air Force. Since I appeared primarily for the Indian Army, all my centers were Army boards but SSBs across the services tend to 95% similar with very mild variations.

For the Indian Army there are 4 selection centers:

1.     Selection Center East – Allahabad (11SSB, 18SSB, 19SSB and 34SSB)

2.    Selection Center Central – Bhopal (20 SSB, 21 SSB and 22 SSB)

3.    Selection Center South – Bangalore (17 SSB and 24 SSB)

I have personally attended 11, 17 and 24 SSB and as such my observations involve mostly around Allahabad and Bangalore. 


cont'd 

The Man With A Womanly Name

In this blog I hope to expound upon that one question everyone who’s familiar with my full name invariably asks: “What were your folks smoking dude?” followed by “Can I get some of that?”

I am 171 cm tall, 210 lbs. 25 year old unibrowed economy class rendition of Chewbacca and my parents named me ‘Dibyajyoti’. Combine that with my surname ‘Dasgupta’ and you have the perfect recipe for missing out on that 18 marks question in Boards because you spent 30 minutes filling the ‘Name’ section in your answer sheet! Bloody nonsense. Also I dread calling up my bank because invariably the first question is “Sir, may I have your full name” followed by an hour of painstakingly walking the fellow through all the 20 letters of your name one by bloody one, at the end of which he will call you “Mr. Gupta” anyways. Also I will never become a Roadie which, in retrospect, is the best outcome of having such a name.

Till someone mercifully shortened my first name to Debo, I had tried various things to claim back my manhood ranging from playing Call of Duty at Veteran difficulty with the username BigBalls88 to translating my name in Russian to sound bad ass (An effort I immediately abandoned when Google threw up the translation as “Svetlana”). 

I am not the only one either, even as you read this blog, somewhere out there a Dibyendu is trying hard to prove his heterosexuality and I wouldn't even go into the predicaments of ‘Ritu- Porno’.

Why do Bong parents name their kids so unsexy? 

I have a little conspiracy theory surrounding the whole ‘My-Son-Wimpiest’ contest that a lot of the Bong parents have participated in and won resoundingly. But before going into the nitty gritties of Bengali naming convention let’s have a cursory look at the Common Indian Parent aka Parentus Indicus, of which the Bengali parents is an off shoot.

The Common Indian Parent hereby referred to as CIP due to the author’s incurable lethargy, originates in the Indian Subcontinent. However due to the recent phenomenon of Globalization and illegal immigration aka Daler Mehndi, has spread across the world.

The CIP is an apex predator in his ecosystem with not many adversaries. However, their offspring are highly susceptible to the dreaded epidemic of ‘Independent’ and ‘Cool’ resulting in such conditions as ‘Non-Engineeritis’, becoming ‘Roadie’ and in acute cases putting a ‘Yo Yo’ in front of their names (symptoms for the latter include talking incoherently in Punjabi about blue eyes and such while the voice mutates to resemble an out of tune tin can).

Parents across India have devised ingenious methods to counter this potentially deadly epidemic. For example in Southern India they name the child named after Gods so as to induce piety and remove any possibility of rebellion.  If that doesn’t work they are sent to one of 200,000 engineer manufacturing factories which also go by the name ‘Corporate College’.

Up north in Gurgaon with the characteristic scientific temperament and zeal quintessential of the Jats ,they went and banned ‘Chowmein’ but that’s another story.

(By ‘they’ I really mean the world famous Khap panchayat which, as we all know, is the Haryanvi chapter of Illuminati)


Of all the above mentioned and not mentioned methodologies the most approved approach is the Bong approach. Bengalis have mastered the art of child “care”. Their technique is as simple as it is bewildering. 

They name the male child as effeminately as possible (Face it, when you meet a Soumik your first thought is “Gay”). Sheer ingenuity. You meet a 6’4 Bong dude with rippling muscles and Greek God looks and are in the process of dream beheading him or having a little orgasm, depending on who you ask, and next moment this man mountain announces his name, “Rituporno”. Immediately all hostility/affection evaporates to be replaced by a feeling of pity and hilarity simultaneously, leading to that amazing feat of snorting out chicken tikka and Coke through your nose.




Trivia:
                                                              
Q. What do you call a macho Bengali?

Ans: A-Myth Roy



If Bible was written by a Bengali, David would not need a sling or a rock or any such nonsense. He would simply start calling Goliath, “Shonamoni” or “Baaptu” or “Tupai” and the Goliath would immediately relinquish all his ferociousness, sit down somewhere in the corner with a math book, write JEE and be a good engineer one day.

Have an unusually fierce dog that won’t listen to you? Name it Shushmito. Problem solved. 

Had Osama’s parents been Bengali a lot of the miseries in this world would never occur. How can you even think of a global jihad if your own name is Shayonton Sen Gupta?Also what the fuck is Shayonton? Sounds like the word one would use to describe that guilty feeling one has after a good raunchy sex. 

Name a kid Zoravar and by the age of 5 he’s already committed his first murder OR you can name him Shayonton and be assured of a lifetime of servility and predictability. Seriously dude, how can you have a rebellious life if your name is Shayonton?  And if that’s not enough Shayonton will have a nick name also…Laaltu!!

The female Bengali child is not spared either, being named after characters out of some obscure Bengali play, off whose pages your great grandfather’s British bosses were eating jhaal muri. They do however get off relatively better than the boys. At the end of the day a girl can still carry off Modhumita or Kadombori or Cersei Lannister or even Jhumpa Lahiri but how can you call a full grown man Bubai or Bhombol and expect him to stand up for himself? 

Also your average Bengali can never get a cool punch line intro, “The name is Dasgupta, Dibyajyoti Dasgupta” just doesn't cut it.

Effeminate names also give out these false signals to people. I distinctly remember a close friend’s ex-boyfriend’s sense of relief followed immediately by outrage and bewilderment upon finding out that she “hanged out with Dibyajyoti” and “Dibyajyoti is a boy” respectively.

Even the relatively decently named Bengali kids are not that better off. An otherwise normal and even sought after name such as Vineet immediately loses all sexiness when put on a Bengali. Why? Because then it becomes Bineet. When it becomes Bineet you don’t get laid. 

The travails of being a Bong are manifolds and would perhaps be best addressed in a separate book. A book that I shall author immediately after I pass out of IIM A where, as we all know by now, the A (often mistaken for Ahmedabad by amateurs) really stands for ‘Akhil Bharatiya Sahitya Parishad’.                 

With this, my dear reader, concludes my explanation of the overt sensitivity of your Bong friend with a weird name about which he will never utter a word by himself. He will carry the burden of pain within himself because even if our first names sound like your fiancé, we are still Mards.

And Mard ≠ Dard.


Ciao.